My previous post has sparked some curiosity among readers. I received many emails in response to the topic, and I was met with several questions about pegging in the context of domination. Many of these people, however, do not have any interest in pegging. They simply want to understand the different levels of domination, and how to participate safely and with the proper education to have the best experience.
Domination is formally defined by Merriam-Webster as, “supremacy or preeminence over another; exercise of mastery or ruling power; and exercise of preponderant, governing, or controlling influence.”
In short, it means somebody else is taking your power. This can be represented in numerous ways. Most commonly, people tend to associate domination with BDSM, which stands for the following:
· Bondage: the use of physical restraints, usually in a sexual/erotic context
· Discipline: establishing and enforcing rules and initiating punishment as needed
· Sadism: experiencing pleasure and satisfaction from inflicting pain on another person
· Masochism: experiencing pleasure from receiving pain
Please note that consent is a very important component of any type of domination or BDSM. This concept may seem contradicting, but there must be a high level of trust between everyone involved, whether you’re the one “in charge,” or if you’re the submissive one. While yes, domination suggests removing power, it should never remove someone’s consent.
In each scenario, rules should be established beforehand. Boundaries and safe words are typically very necessary, so that unintentional harm can be avoided. My favorite safe-word system is the Stoplight Method. I could not find the original source for this method, so I will explain it in my own words, and as it was taught to me by others in the industry:
· Green Light: Go, everything is okay, please continue.
· Yellow Light: Slow down, or please try something else.
· Red Light: STOP. Do not continue, and listen to your partner(s).
Other safe words and systems can be used instead, but only if all parties involved have agreed. Sometimes it might sound or look as though your partner is in serious pain and needs you to stop, but they might be enjoying the activity. This is a big reason as to why you need a system that goes above and beyond normal physiological distress signals. If you’re not sure if your partner is okay, it’s always okay to “break character” and check in with them.
I simply cannot cover all aspects of domination and BDSM in this blog post, but there are two common activities that are often executed incorrectly. These activities are choking and spanking, are extremely common during dominant/submissive-style sex. Technique can make or break the experience. I will include a visual about proper choking technique, found on Tumblr, which explains the proper way to apply pressure to choke your partner and achieve the optimal sensation.
For spanking, the main issue is where to spank your partner. If you’re not careful, you could hit a bad spot, and create unwanted pain or bruising. Of course, the goal of spanking sometimes is bruising, just be careful you’re not causing long-term damage, and that you stay within the boundaries of what your partner wants. This visual gives a proper idea of where to implement your hand/whip/paddle/crop/cane/flogger/etc.
Finally, it’s very important to discuss aftercare. Once you’ve completed your activities, you may need comfort, especially if you're the submissive one. During sex, especially when pain is involved, endorphins will override a lot of the pain sensation. After sex, the endorphins return to their normal levels, and the pain can emerge in uncomfortable ways. You or your partner may also be mentally or emotionally vulnerable afterwards, and some gentle bonding can help to re-connect in a safe way. Cuddling and communication are often ideal for aftercare, but it can be whatever is needed at that moment by whoever is involved.
Domination can take on many forms, and can involve many other toys and activities. For those who were intrigued by this post, I encourage you to do more research on what kind of dominant/submissive play you might enjoy, and what role suits you best. If there's anything I've learned in my experience as a domme, it's that nobody enjoys being dominated more than middle-aged white men who have endless power in their "normal" life.
Maybe it's time to let someone else take over.